The first installment of what I expect will be several posts about the trials and tribulations of potty training

As a parent of a child in diapers, you have to periodically check to see if they need to be changed. For a #1, you just touch the front of your child's diaper to see how squishy it is, and for #2, you just give 'em a good sniff. It was while I was performing the latter test that disaster struck.

I was sniffing my son’s diaper at the exact moment he decided to let out a huge fart, so I inadvertently took a huge hit of it. I was essentially huffing toddler farts. As my son matures, so do his farts, and this one was particularly potent, like a 45-year-old dude on an all-bean diet. Next to giving birth, I think this is the most unpleasant experience a human being can have.

We had been wavering on when to potty-train him, but after this I was ready to start ASAP. According to everything we read on the internet, our son was ready. One of the things we read said to prep him for potty-training was to let him be in the bathroom with you while you go. I guess he’s supposed to learn by observation and say, “Ah! I see now!”

We’ve been trying this the past few days and I HATE IT. The fact of the matter is: I don’t like anyone in there with me. My wife and I know some couples who leave the door open when they are using the bathroom, and that's fine. However, my wife and I have tried to keep a “closed door” bathroom policy because, for us, it is an attempt to keep a tiny bit of the romantic spark alive. And the bathroom has kind of become my one spot for peace and quiet.

I'm not sure if it's working because he is not interested in observing bathroom procedure. He's more into emptying every cabinet, pulling everything off the counters and climbing into the dryer (our washer and dryer are in our bathroom). It’s impossible to go when you have to yell, “Don’t touch that!” every ten seconds. Sometimes I have to get off the toilet and chase after him, because what two year old really listens to an adult? So now I just hold it until he goes to sleep.

On the whole, potty training is going OK. Because he is thus far an only child, he seems to think he is a full-grown adult like his mom and me and wants to do everything that we do. Consequently, he prefers the “big” toilet to his little potty, and that’s great. We’re skipping a step. The only problem is two-year-old boys are anatomically designed to pee right between the gap between the toilet bowl rim and the toilet seat.

Still, it's way better than huffing toddler farts.

It would fill a small apartment OR Our poop adventures are just beginning

When I became a parent, I had no idea just how much poop it would entail. Like so many other things about being a parent, I was blindsided.

A lot, is how much poop parenting actually entails. If Science were to measure the volume of poop one baby excretes in the first two years of life, I think it would fill a small apartment.

I can handle poop in diapers, but the problem is that poop rarely occurs exclusively in diapers. For instance, I was bathing my son the other night. I was letting him splash and play with a small fleet of rubber ducks. Things were going fine until I noticed something that was not a rubber duck float ominously to the surface.

My first thought was, “Not again!” because he does this at least quarterly. I don’t know why, maybe it’s in his contract.

If you find yourself with a 22-month-old in a poop-filled tub, do not despair. Simply immerse your arm up to your elbow in poopwater, pull the plug and drain the tub. Next, scrape all the poop off of your child and out of the tub. Be sure to break it all up into small chunks with your hands so that it will go down the drain. Finally, figure out a way to clean your child and the tub simultaneously.

My son screamed bloody murder as I tried to clean around him, as if it the whole disaster were my idea. My wife, upon hearing my son’s and my distress, waited until everything was cleaned up and then called from the other room, “Hey, do you need any help in there?” I think she timed it like that so she could say she offered to help and have a clear conscience but not have to actually help. Genius.

Payback was swift in coming, though. In addition to quarterly tub poops, our son also is contracted to refuse to nap 1-2 days per week. My wife puts him to bed anyway, and he just sits there refusing to nap. On one fateful day my wife was summoned back to his bedroom by panicked toddler shrieks. When she opened his door, she found our son and his bed covered in poop. Apparently he had gotten bored and decided to strip down, pull his diaper off and smear poop everywhere. Then he decided this wasn't such a great idea and freaked out, which is where we began this poopy tale. I was unfortunately away at work and unable to help with cleanup.

We’re going to start potty-training next month, and I’m afraid our poop adventures are just beginning.

We finally got a snow day! OR And then they laughed me to scorn

We don’t get President’s Day off where I work, so after Martin Luther King Jr. day, there are no holidays until Memorial Day. What can a state employee do then but look at the barren calendar and hope for a snow day?

As far as I can tell, “snow days” are not universal. When I was going to college in Idaho, where snow is a constant, they never shut anything down. There could be four feet of snow, cats freezing to death, and a nine-inch layer of super-slick ice covering every road, but school and work would still be business as usual. You were just supposed to harness up your dog sled and mush your way to class. One time there was news that a blizzard was moving in, and I naively asked some of my Idaho peers if they thought we’d get a snow day. First, I had to explain to them what a snow day was, and then they laughed me to scorn.

However, when it snows here in New Mexico, everything shuts down: schools, roads, places of employment. What kind of state cancels school and work for a few inches of snow? The best state in the whole union, of course! It makes me proud to be a New Mexican. In my office, all through the boring months of January through March, this is the prayer that is on everyone’s lips:

“The State Employee’s Snow Day Prayer” 

Dear Non-denominational Entity Who Governs the Universe or Lack Thereof because the State of New Mexico does not give preference to any one based on religious beliefs or lack thereof,

Please let it snow long and hard, especially at the home of my supervisor who makes the decision on whether we close or not. Let it snow at their house most of all.  

Amen. 

It snows in New Mexico, but not very frequently. Weathermen/women are always leading us on. When we hear “20% chance of snow” our hopeful brains instantly translate it to: “SNOOOOOOOOOOOW DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.” And when the snow fails to materialize, everyone is irritable at work the next day because we all made plans and stayed up too late, certain we’d get a snow day. We get our hopes up every time, and we never learn. 

After several weeks, the state employees’ prayers were answered and we finally got a snow day! And it was on a Monday, too! My office was closed and I stayed home and played in the snow with my son, and it was glorious. We made a snowman, but we couldn’t find any good sticks so we ran back inside, grabbed a spatula and a slotted spoon, and used them for snowman arms. My son was delighted. We don’t own a sled, so I tied a jump rope to a laundry basket and pulled my son around in that. He had pulled one of the snowman’s arms off and he waved the slotted spoon and shouted for me to go faster. We had a blast.

It seems like no matter how boring or bad life is, every once in a while you're bound to catch a break. 

Do you have snow days where you live? Any good snow day memories?